Fairy Tales....but not as we know them

It is a common occurrence in society today for single women in their 20s and 30s to lament that their love lives have been spoiled by the fairy tales they read as children (at least it is amongst my friends). We blame our inability to find a sane man willing to commit to us on our unrealistic expectations we learned from fairy tales. As Bonnie Tyler sang 'where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods?....Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed, Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need'. Oh dear. I've started quoting Bonnie. Time to move on.

Imagine my delight to find fairy tales the subject of study in my literature module recently. Even better, to be taken by my favourite lecturer who we shall call Richard, because that is his name. A man so charming and charismatic he packs out the lecture hall (even at 9.30am) and has boys and girls alike staring at him in open adulation for the whole one and a half hours. I kid you not. This is a man that makes religious poetry sexy. Imagine what he could do with fairytales. I was not to be disappointed. Except these fairy tales weren't quite how I remembered them.

Take Little Red Riding Hood for example. We all know the story, little red is off to visit granny, wolf tricks her, gets there first, eats granny and then eats her when she arrives (or the huntsman saves her depending on the version you read). Okay, we get the moral; don't talk to strangers and do as your mother tells you. There's nothing sexual about Little Red Riding Hood right? WRONG. In the Charles Perrault story of 1697 (one of the first published versions of the tale) that naughty little red takes her clothes off and climbs into bed with the wolf when he bids her. Unfortunately this gives fresh meaning to the famous 'What big teeth you have Grandmother' 'the better to eat you' exchange. So we already know her to be a silly little fool for being tricked by the wolf but then she goes and jumps into bed with him! Sound familiar? Uh-huh. So dear Charles decided to give us a little moral at the end of the tale, in case we didn't pick up on the message within. To be honest I might not have done but Richard was fortunately on hand to point it out. Nearly 430 years on the moral still rings true so here it is for your benefit:

One sees here that young children,

Especially young girls

Pretty, well brought up, and gentle,

Should never listen to anyone who happens by,

And if this occurs, it is not so strange

When the wolf should eat them.

I say the wolf, for all wolves

Are not of the same kind.

There are some with winning ways,

Not loud, nor bitter, or angry,

Who are tame, good-natured, and pleasant

And follow young ladies

Right into their homes, right into their alcoves.

But alas for those who do not know that of all the wolves

the docile ones are those who are most dangerous.

Hear hear! I've learned my lesson. I shall certainly not be letting any men, I mean wolves, into my alcove. Especially not the quiet ones. Not tonight anyway.

So now that we've learned that Little Red Riding Hood was a bit of a whore, what other fairy tale heroine could we move on to desecrate? How about dear Cinderella? As one of the most popular fairy tales around and the creator of the legendary Prince Charming, that every girl has been waiting for since she heard about him, it's hard to see how this could be so bad. Actually, you will be pleased to know that Cinderella herself remains largely unblemished by digging deeper into the tale. However, just when I thought we were going to leave the lecture just learning that it helps children deal with sibling rivalry, we have a little chat about Prince Charming finding that Cinderella's foot is the perfect fit for the glass slipper. Suddenly Richard breaks in with a little laugh and 'of course, I think that you all know that the foot and slipper is a metaphor for the male and female genitalia'. Um, no. Actually I think we didn't. But we do now, thanks very much.

So the fairy tales had it right all along. Prince Charming wasn't looking for his true love, he was just trying to find the perfect vajayjay for his pee-pee. Some things never change.