It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. With this in mind my friends and I decided to go speed dating. I use this line as ironically as the original author (Jane Austen, for you lit retards), as in truth I didn't for one minute think I would meet my future husband. However the lure of a night of booze and fifteen men for four minutes each was just too enticing to say no to.
As if you don't feel you might be somewhat approaching desperado status by going speed dating, the companies promoting such events do nothing to reassure you. I booked on-line and the page straight after confirming a place for my two friends and I, was headed 'the following books may interest you' and then showed a list of books such as 'flirting for dummies' and 'successful internet dating'. Obviously if you go speed dating you need such guidance on how to deal with the opposite sex.
Not to be deterred, we set off, clad as the website advised in jeans, nice tops and accessories (yes, really that was their advice, heaven forbid we forget our accessories). First port of call was a pub near the venue to knock back a couple of glasses of vino for dutch courage. Whilst we mulled over the potential for disaster the night had, we also became rather paranoid that every male in the pub was potentially headed to the same destination as us. This resulted in us whispering and looking round the pub maniacally, thus preventing any sane man who would have wanted to approach us normally from doing so. Was speed dating actually sabotaging our dating chances? After a while of this there was no putting it off any longer and we headed to our fate.
I had decided to apply my usual motto to the night 'if in doubt, get hammered' and so proceeded to prop up the bar and run to the toilet in equal measure before things got under way. The girls were then all assigned a table while the boys moved round every four minutes. What followed was pretty standard making of small talk. I mean four minutes is not a lot of time, really you can talk to anyone for that long. Slightly embarrassing moment in the middle of one date when due to my colossal wine consumption I had to run to the toilet and leave the poor guy sitting there. Comparing notes after the event he was the guy that told me he was a horse trainer, one of my friends that he was a show jumper (not likely as he was the size of a horse) and my other friend that he was a mini bus driver (obviously not trying too hard to impress her), so I don't feel too bad about that now.
As the night went on and I took every possible chance to visit the bar (these guys were so much more entertaining after a lot of wine) things went downhill quite fast. One cheeky chappy, car salesman asked me why I was there and when I said I thought it would be fun he warned me not to say that because the guys would think I was just there for sex. Of course with my humour (and drunkness) I gave a little shrug and laugh and said something along the lines of 'and?'. This was a mistake because when we had a midway break he went around telling everyone I was there for sex. I mean really, isn't everyone?? This then resulted in one guy sitting down for our date and saying 'ah you're Donna, we were talking about you in the corner'. Making an impression as always.
An hour of dates later, it's the end of the night and whilst I plan on comparing notes and joking with the girls about the night we are converged on by the men to join us. Unfortunately we are the only girls that stay and so an awkward little situation occurs with pretty much all the guys trying to join the table and talk to us. I'm too drunk at this point to care who I am talking to or what about. Apparently I did okay though as afterwards one of my friends describes it as me holding court at the table. Can't think what she is trying to say there. I do know I had a very fun night though.
I know what you're thinking. It sounds a disaster. Did I even match with anyone? Well, yes actually, but that's another story.....
I'll be honest, I'm a bit of a Facebook addict. It's a rare day I go without stalking people to pass some time. I used to be a frequent status updater too. Probably at least once a day. I really felt that 300 plus people wanted to know that I was 'looking forward to the cinema' that night or was 'very drunk'. Lately though, my love for Facebook seems to be diminishing. I never thought this day would come, in fact I used to get a little panicked at the thought that other people wouldn't use it anymore and I would be left in Facebook world alone. But recently I just can't bring myself to find the same joy in it I used to. The updates from people don't interest me so much, I can't be bothered to update so much. I've lost enthusiasm.
On that note, I have a confession to make. My affections have been engaged elsewhere. I'm sorry Facebook but I think I love Twitter. When I first started using Twitter I was completely bewildered. I felt like my 89 year old Nan probably did when she got a mobile phone. It didn't look good (like Facebook), I didn't have lots of 'friends' (like Facebook) and I just generally had no clue how to use it. Now however I'm getting to be a bit of a pro. I must confess to taking advice from my uni friends who are all of course completely adept at it. Now I'm going to be controversial. Twitter is the new Facebook. But why?
Has Facebook not just become a little shallow in a 'look at my fabulous life' kind of way? I mean we even get two profile pictures now instead of one. Because one just isn't enough to show who you are. You also need one 'that best represents you'. Cue everyone spending hours trying to figure out which photos to use. It all started, in my opinion with the rise of the 'like' and 'comment' button for statuses. Now your status isn't successful if you don't have a heap of likes and comments. Whereas Twitter you can tweet away all day with pointless drivel and it doesn't matter if no one cares at all. This is perfect for me. On Twitter people 'follow' you because they are interested in what you have to say.They don't become your 'friend' because they met you for 5 minutes at a party and decided that made you buddies.
The friends issue really is a minefield right? Pet hate number one - people who add me and then proceed to never message me/like or comment on my status/not even to wish me happy birthday. Why did you add me then? Pet hate number two- people who say that they don't really use Facebook but actually they are always on it, they just stalk people all the time and don't update their own status. I'm all for a bit of stalking but don't lie about it. Own it. Pet hate number three - people who use Facebook to moan all the time. 'I'm having a really crap day' 'my life sucks'. Well it must do if you feel the need to tell 300 people, the majority of whom you barely know. As I type this I think, wow, I'm such a hater! It's a wonder I have any friends. But I do actually. I have 327 of them, so there. I will also admit to being fond of a regular cull. I convince myself (falsely, obviously) that culling my friends list by about 10 people a month means that I am keeping my list to a genuine circle of friends. Ahem. Yes sure, 327 genuine 'friends'. It's not that simple. I have to ask myself, will I see this person again? In which case rejecting their friend request/removing them could be a bit awkward. If I don't know them that well but they are interesting that's also a reason to save them. Also if you use Facebook as an online Jeremy Kyle Show I will not remove you. You are very interesting and go to the top of my favourite 'friends'. Whenever I see one of these such events happening, I feel the urge to jump in and type 'fight, fight, fight!' but I refrain in case they should turn their cyber rage on me. Instead I sit in rapt attention refreshing my page every minute and watching it unfold. Then the next day they are 'friends' again. We all love a happy ending.
So I think I will continue to invest more time in Twitter. I get to stalk celebrities as well as real people. Totes amazeballs. If you are on Twitter I am @donnawrightson so follow me. I only have 40 followers which is pitiful compared to my 'friends' on Facebook. I guess that shows how many people are interested in what I have to say. Today's blog has been controversial, I know. If I wake up tomorrow with two Facebook 'friends' I guess I will know why.
